So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
