It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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