god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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