does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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