is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
