Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
