If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i think i have herpe
just one?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Two words: nipple clamps
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