i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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