this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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