I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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