Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
