he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
