I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
