i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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