Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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