Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Enjoy the penises
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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