I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
