Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
