All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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