you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
