He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
