my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
