Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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