I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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