Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
