Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
