I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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