he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
