I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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