My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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