the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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