She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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