Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
