I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
