did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
