what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
