I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
