i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
