Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
