I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
