I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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