The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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