Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
