So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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