some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
