take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
