Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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