Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
