Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
