I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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