dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
