I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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