How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
